Group of friends dancing and having fun together; Photo: Flashpop(Getty Images)
A well-delivered toast can mean the difference between a good night and a great night. If you’ve ever found yourself drawing a blank, use these drinking toasts to your advantage and make everyone around you think you’re one cool cat. Be warned, though: a few may not be suitable for all audiences, so choose wisely.
40 of the Best Drinking Toasts
1. If the ocean was beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and drink myself up. But the ocean’s not beer and I’m not a duck, so let’s drink these pints and get messed up.
2. To the three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Group of friends celebrating with champagne; Photo credit: Flashpop(Getty Images)
3. I would rather be with the people in this room than with the finest people I know.
4. Here’s to the women, with little pink shoes; who steal all our money and drink all our booze; now, she’s not a virgin but that’s not a sin, cause she’s still got the box that the cherry came in.
5. Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.
6. To the new couple: Never sweat the petty things, but always pet the sweaty things.
7. The liver is evil and must be punished.
8. To my schizophrenic friend. He’s good people.
9. Of all my favorite things to do,
The utmost is to have a brew.
My love grows for my foamy friend,
With each thirst-quenching elbow bend.
Beer’s so frothy, smooth and cold;
It’s paradise, pure liquid gold.
Yes, beer means many things to me.
That’s all for now, I gotta pee.
10. Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy. (Sinatra)
Friends Toasting Wineglasses During Party; Photo credit: Mirko Vitali / EyeEm (Getty Images)
11. “I’d like to say a little prayer for world peace.” -Phil Connors
12. Here’s to women. So fine and divine, they bleed every month, and bear every nine. There’s not another creature on heaven, earth, or hell, that can take the juice from the nut without cracking the shell.
13. Here’s to the heat. Not the heat that brings down barns and shanties, but the heat that brings down bras and panties.
14. Take everything in moderation — including moderation.
15. May we be who our dogs think we are.
16. Here’s to lobster tail and beer. Three of my favorite things.
17. Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives … and to the “good life,” whatever it is and wherever it happens to be. (Hunter S. Thompson)
18. To the kisses we’ve snatched, and vice versa.
19. To your genitalia: May they never fail ya, or jail ya.
20. Here’s to staying positive and testing negative.
21. Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. So let’s get wasted all of the time, and have the time of our life.
22. Better to be a well-known drunkard than an anonymous alcoholic.
23. Here’s to the big bull in the wood.
He does the cows and heifers good.
If it weren’t for his long, long rod,
Then what would we do for beef, by God?
24. A rich man lives in a castle, a poor man lives by the sea. But a whiskey glass and a fat girl’s ass are home sweet home to me.
25. To the holidays — all 365 of them.
26. Here’s to those who wish us well, all the rest can go to hell.
Women friends toasting with shots at a bar; Photo: Sam Diephuis (Getty Images)
27. Here’s to swimmin’ with bowlegged women. -Quint
28. Here’s to the women who love me terribly. May they soon improve.
29. I want to thank you all for coming, especially my parents, [when you were conceived] years ago.
30. When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So let’s all get drunk and go to heaven.
31. May our penises always be harder than our lives.
32. Cheers to beers and legs behind your ears.
33. May all your ups and downs be between the sheets.
34. Here’s to the girls who do
And here’s to the girls who don’t
And here’s to the girls who say they never will,
But when the time comes, won’t.
But here’s to the girls most of all,
Who say they never will:
“I can’t. I won’t. I shan’t. I don’t!
… but just for you, I will.”
35. To hell: May the stay there be as fun as the way there.
36. Here’s to doing and drinking, not sitting and thinking.
Friends standing on river bank with beer; Photo: Emma Innocenti(Getty Images)
37. Here’s to lesbians, because they have good taste.
38. Here’s to the women who have used and abused us. May they never stop.
39. May you work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like no one is watching, screw like it’s being filmed, and drink like a true Irishman.
40. “Here’s to the Army and Navy and the battles they have won.
Here’s to America’s colors, the colors that never run.
May the wings of liberty never lose a feather.”
–Jack Burton (movie king of drinking toasts)